babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
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Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
