Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
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In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?