Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
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I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names