Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

Do not steal food from the science building!

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.