[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
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My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I’m Sold!
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
A friend sent me this.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
want me to check your oil?
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now