Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

was Jim off killing horses or…

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool