[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
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My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
From Facebook just now…
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!