Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

😂

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

the way this pissed me off… 😭

My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

ouch

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”