Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

Love is in the air fryer.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

Muppet Screams