[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
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Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?