Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

Never go to sleep after making me angry

Baller is short for ballerina

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*