[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
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Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
A Monday every week is excessive