Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies

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My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.