Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
relationship goals
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this