Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
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Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly