Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
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If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Snack for election night!
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?