Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
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I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.