Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
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Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Life is a suicide mission.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Well, shit
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I hid some form of a weapon in literally every room of my home when I first moved in and now I have to figure out where the hell I put everything before I move out…
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*