Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!