[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
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If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school