Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

This kid is going places

Netflix and awkward silence?

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

March 16

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

english majors be like furthermore

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.