Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
You Might Also Like
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Okay me first
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
Room with a view.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL