Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
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Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
never stops being funny
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.