Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
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Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.