Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
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“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.