Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
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Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky