Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
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Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?