[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
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Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.