Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

A recipe for laughter

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.