Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

Some people were born into their job.

Not even remotely sorry.

Your honor these allegations are

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis