Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.