Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
this came to me in a vision
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
