Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
