Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
