*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
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Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
then why did i get this email
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”