Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
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I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
