Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

buying dead houseplants to save time

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.