back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
You Might Also Like
What is going on? 😅
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Bed should get ready for ME