Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

I don’t need a mood ring, I have a face.

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel