back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
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I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.