back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
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Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Vodka burrito was a success
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt