Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
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My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
We know he can swim but…
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
*skinny dips into black hole
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
You have been warned.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.