Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

good morning

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

*puts words between two asterisks*

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?