Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
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“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
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[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
OH. COME. ON.
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ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written