Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
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I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Why are bridges so flammable.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Overindulged this afternoon.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
lol
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.