Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
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Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.