Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
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Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.