Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
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I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?