Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
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Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.