Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
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My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.