back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Mouse
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town