back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I know karate and tons of other words.
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
