back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?