back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*