Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
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Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.