Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you corporation very cool

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

Important reminders

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

Air conditioning – not a fan

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”

Me: “Well,-“

9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”

Me: …

9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”

Me: …

9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

How dude HOW?!

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.