Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull