Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
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“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
#Caturday
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities