Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
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Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
me opening up to someone
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Meow?
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
so this horse walks into a bar
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.