Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!