Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.