Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream