Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out