Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
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Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
All set.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️