Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
You Might Also Like
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Cheers Twitter.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.