Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
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My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use