Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
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“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.