Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
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When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.