Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

So sorry

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.