Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife: