Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.