Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
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Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.