Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.