Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

😏😏😏

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.